


Notfic #3: The Hogwarts Fusion AU That Nobody Asked For (But I'm Writing Anyway.)

by CescaLR



Series: My Not-fics: A Collection Of My Rambly, Lazy Writings. That Are Sort-Of Fics, But Not. [3]
Category: Gravity Falls
Genre: (AU/Fusion thing), (I also think I'd probably throw Buffy/Teen Wolf in at a later date but shhhhhh), (I've made this general audiences let's see how long I can last without swearing), (It needs a title), (No idea yet), Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Hogwarts, BUT AT HOGWARTS, Family, Family Drama, Family Feels, Family Fluff, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Gen, Gravity Falls/Harry Potter Fusion AU Thing, I guess you could say it ignores JK's worldbuilding outside of the UK?, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Notfic, Stangst, and Pacifica's... mess of a bunch of 'relatives', because Dream Demons and magic amulets and all the other stuff still exist, because of that fudging bell gosh darn, because why not, bill only kind of exists?? in the background?? I'm not sure yet, but kind of fic, giving all my children - even the elderly ones - a happy ending basically, i think, is a tag (that fits but differently because HARRY POTTER AU), it's more a fusion than a complete AU, like my other ones, look it's the pines we're talking about here, that's the AU, the northwests are their own warning tbh, yeah I'm cool with that
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-17
Updated: 2018-07-17
Packaged: 2019-06-12 02:56:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15330201
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CescaLR/pseuds/CescaLR
Summary: See it's funny - the Pines family are American, so in JK's canon they should go to ilvermorny or something.But nahhhhhhh. In this AU, that ain't the case. Pretend Hogwarts is a magical school that takes people from all over and not just Great Britan and Ireland, ok? Like... Hogwarts is the default if you're from the countries within those two, but you can still choose to go if you live elsewhere.----------------The portkey is a tug in the gut that makes him want to vomit - like always - but then he's staring out onto the platform, abuzz with the students waiting to board the train for their first or next or last year at Hogwarts, and the nausea goes away like it always does."Come on, bro-bro!" Mabel says, over-excited and bouncy and bright and cheerful, and drags him over to the train before their parents can get a word in edgewise.





	Notfic #3: The Hogwarts Fusion AU That Nobody Asked For (But I'm Writing Anyway.)

**Author's Note:**

> notfic - translated; a fic that isn't a fic but kind of is; it's mostly, for me, an exercise in creative thought and expression that doesn't require the planning of a fic or the same kind of pacing.  
> \-----------  
> Will contain: snippets of story, snippets of fluff, angst, and various other things, and also random non-sequiturs to essay-like rants on various subjects regarding the pines family and people in general in this AU. 
> 
> The usual not-fic stuff.

_The portkey is a tug in the gut that makes him want to vomit - like always - but then he's staring out onto the platform, abuzz with the students waiting to board the train for their first or next or last year at Hogwarts, and the nausea goes away like it always does._

_"Come on, bro-bro!" Mabel says, over-excited and bouncy and bright and cheerful, and drags him over to the train before their parents can get a word in edgewise._

* * *

So like, as for sortings - I think it'd go something like this: 

* * *

Stan doesn't like to show that he's nervous about things. It's kinda a trait of his - grow up in New Jersey, and you'd probably get it. Heck, you'd probably feel the same way. The point is - he's standing there, next to Sixer in the crowd of small idiots (like himself) and geniuses (like Ford) and average people (like neither of them, but that's fine) and pretending he's not nervously sweating, like his hand's aren't clammy and his eyes aren't darting about at the faces of the students who've already been through this, probably silently judging them as people generally do.

Sixer's got his hands hidden behind his back again, clasped and out of sight. The muggle plaster on Stan's nose and arm (that one's not visible under the stupid and stuffy robe) is drawing glances, as did his missing tooth when he stared, slack-jawed in surprised awe, at the ceiling above. 

The letter 'P' is pretty late on in the alphabet, so by the time it's their turn, Stan's tapping his foot impatiently and the nervousness has mostly worn off, what little remains covered by intense false bravado, because if his bro's gonna literally shake in his boots like that, well, one of 'em has to be strong, right?

"Stanley Pines," A voice calls out, the teacher reading the roll call, and Stanley will forever be glad that the professor didn't call out his  _middle name_ too. Stan walks on up, doesn't trip up the stairs and sits down without knocking the stool over. Then, that weird hat's dropped on his head, and there's a voice - not in his ear, exactly; he can't exactly  _hear_ it, so to speak, but he knows what it's saying all the same.

 _That's interesting,_ he 'hears', murmured,  _very interesting._ Then, louder;  _there are two places I think you'd fit very nicely - yes, very nicely indeed..._

'What two places?' he... 'asks' back, and the hat - nods? Laughs? Something? Stan can't quite tell. 

 _Hufflepuff or Slytherin - no, wait, yes, even the other two, however less they fit, it's a possibility... though I doubt you'd like it in Ravenclaw,_ it laughs this time, Stan can tell, and so he scowls reflexively. Nobody likes being laughed at, after all. 

 _Hmmm._ The Hat hums, kind of.  _Given the time... and your nature - Slytherin might not be safe..._ it muses.  _No - safety is not a concern. I see - yes, you do well in either - perhaps? No, no - worst traits brought forth... don't want to encourage acting before thinking... hmm._

The Hat falls silent, for a moment.

"Better be..." It shouts out, and pauses for dramatic effect - "Slytherin!"

Stan stands and removes the hat. He's getting a lot of stares, but Ford's smiling at him, less nervous, since nothing at all went wrong with Stan's sorting, so that's alright. It's always been them against the world, anyway. 

The professor - McGonagall, Stan thinks - gestures to the table on the far left from his point of view, and Stan walks over to those in green and silver.

It's the early sixties, though. 

Ford is, naturally, sorted into Ravenclaw. 

"So that was your brother, then?" One boy says, a couple years older than Ford himself. Possibly a Fourth year, more probably a Third. 

"Yes," Ford says, happily. "My twin, Stanley. He - he goes by Stan, though..." Ford trails off, awkwardly, at a few of the looks being shared around the table. 

"There might be something to the 'evil twin' thing after all," One person says, snide - or not, Ford always had a little trouble figuring that out - and her friend elbows her in the arm. 

"Once does not make a pattern, you know that." She - the friend - says. "And besides, he's only eleven. Time'll tell, but not yet, you know?"

The first girl shrugged, and that was that. But Ford noticed - because he's not the best with people, but he is observant, for an eleven-year-old - that if he said something regarding his twin, some people would tense up.

(And that, my friends - is how it goes.)

* * *

 

Mabel loves her uncle, she does, but privately - not even in her diary! - she kinda thinks of him kinda like... like the good apple in a bad bunch. Don't get her wrong! It's a  _bad thing_ to judge a group of people based on one common element, but - well, but the thing is, with the Slytherins, it's not quite the  _same,_ you know - like, like - like...  _Voldemort_ was one! And Bellatrix Lestrange! And - and okay, so was Merlin, but - but! Slytherin was a gross person, from what she's been told and from what she's had to read (ugh, at least they're kinda like stories - not as  _boring_ as the history books she has to learn from at -  _had_ to learn from at her Muggle primary school) and, and that's not a good, right, not a good to model a house at a school after a gross person who hated people like - like Mabel and Dipper and their Grunkles and Wendy and Wendy's friends and Pacifica (even if Pacifica is kinda mean she's not mean  _like that_ because otherwise, she wouldn't 'not think hanging around you lot is the end of the world' as she does) and all the other muggleborns. 

So it's - it's  _different._

So... she'll keep it to herself  _forever,_ but when the hat drops on Mabel's head and says  _you could be good for any house... Slytherin would be a good fit, Ravenclaw probably the least -_ and she ignores the rest and just, maybe,  _might think -_

'Y'know, we've already got a Slytherin one of us, we don't  **really** need another and like, Gryffindor sounds good! Or Hufflepuff! But maybe not that because they - well - I don't think Candy or Grenda will be put there but that's not the reason at all and I mean, I promise I think Hufflepuff is a great and wonderful house it's just that they're kinda a little bit not my style, y'know, from what I've seen, but Gryffindor is cool! And loud! And brave! All things that I am!'

\- and then the Hat responds  _'And an ego to boot - yes, I can see it. Well then...'_

"Better be... Gryffindor!"

And Mabel will forever lie about the look of relief on her face, even though Dipper saw it, plain as day. 

* * *

So let's talk a little bit about those three sortings.

I think we don't really need to talk about Ford's?  _Maybe_ you could make an argument for Gryffindor; bravery and wanting to be seen as a hero and self-righteousness and easily trusting and many, many other things - and you could definitely make one for Slytherin, actually, thinking about it - ambition, after all, is one of his defining traits and genuinely most of the reason for his 'muse' thing with Bill - but I just... It'd feel wrong putting the man anywhere other than Ravenclaw. I mean... he just - that's  _him,_ through and through. 

As for Stan......... ughhhhhhh - So I think you could totally make an argument for any of the houses for Stan. You can't rebuild that portal without intelligence, and to get it most of the way with only a third of the instructions? Whoa. And, don't you forget, he taught himself all that stuff. And I gotta say, what he managed when barely old enough to drive when he was kicked out of the house; managing to make it all the way through adulthood and into being an  _old man,_ that's really,  _really_ impressive. And it takes  _smarts._ Genuine intelligence. I swear any other environment and the guy would have gotten much better grades. Nowadays, he could take BTECs and get Apprenticeships and god, he'd do way better in that kind of environment, I feel. But being called an idiot your whole life's gotta take a toll. And he didn't grow up nowadays. Anyway - aside from the Stangst, we have Hufflepuff, and Stan's a total Hufflepuff. He spent  _thirty-years_ teaching himself a hell of a lot of advanced probably undocumented science and  _it worked._ It freaking worked! Holy heck. Hot Belgian Waffles! That dedication! That loyalty to family!  _Now that,_ that is hard-working and unafraid of toil if I've ever seen it!

As for my choice in putting him in Slytherin - it's partially to do with how I view the Hat. Mostly, it's to do with how the hell he managed to avoid the FBI for so many freaking decades, how he managed to hold up a charade that even family fell for, how he managed to keep himself alive and learn languages and navigate crime and many, many other things that culminate in  _cunning._ And his dream? With the boat and the treasure? Ambition. It's also one hell of an ambition for a guy that never went to college and was kicked out of his home before he could finish school to rebuild a portal made by two geniuses and a  _demon,_ okay? One hell of an ambition. A lot of self-preservation, too, in how he managed to live despite everything. He sacrificed a lot for what he wanted in the end, too, which I actually think is rather Slytherin. Doing anything to achive your goals. And Stan, I imagine, is one hell of a friend - and guess what?  _Slytherin is where you'll meet your true friends._ Someone who'd spend thirty years doing what he did to save you regardless of the consequences? Ride or die as hell, and totally, completely, the kind of loyalty you see in Slytherins. 

So that's my Stan Essay. 

Now for Mabel! Whoo. 

Okay. She's eleven. She's raised partly in the magical world, partly in the muggle. And this is the magical world post-Voldemort and the second war. Pre-CC, but that doesn't rightly matter because (technically) that's already happened (damn time-travel) but  _really_ that doesn't matter because I ignore the hell out of CC and so will this AU. 

What I'm saying is... much like if you're told you're stupid your whole life it'll take a toll and you'll start to believe it and therefore will think yourself incapable of things that require thinking, if you're told Slytherins are Evil with  _evidence_ like Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange and Lucius Malfoy and so many other people that were terrible, horrible bigots towards people like  _yourself,_ you're not exactly going to be  _fond._ Even if you've got a Slytherin for a great-uncle, you also know that same great-uncle has done some... more than shady stuff, like, literally illegal stuff (which includes getting you and your brother and himself sent to the county jail for making counterfeit money) which doesn't exactly help, because you know,  _illegal._

So she went into Gryffindor. And, to be honest, I think she fits that house the most. She  _is_ hard-working as hell, she is ambitious and cunning for a kid, she is smart in the creative sense (she's a freaking artistic genius, okay, she really is) but... I do think she fits Gryffindor the most. I love Mabel. I really do. I don't want you lot thinking I don't. But one of her problems is that she's  _very_ self-righteous, even for a kid, and I've always felt that that was a very Gryffindor thing. The self-righteousness. She  _is_ brave, too, and she  _is_ caring - she's also loud in what would probably be a pretty obnoxious way, and she's also the kind of person to leap before she thinks, and she's also  _lovely_ and  _caring,_ and she trusts and falls in-like  _way_ too easily. 

She's  _Mabel._ And to me, that makes the kid a  _Gryffindor._

* * *

Now Dipper, I think, would be in Slytherin.

It's not really that hard to explain - Boss Mabel, Legend of the Gobblewonker, and I think Love God, and possibly even parts of Sock Opera and  _definitely_ Carpet Diem, Dipper Vs. Manliness, uhh - I forget the name of the episode with the Arcade machine and Dipper bringing that character to life who he lies to - and a few other episodes/scenes (the Golf episode and the one where they look for Pacifica's family history, among others) within episodes spring to mind immediately as examples for my reasoning. 

This kid is  _ambitious._ Ambitious as  _hell._ He's also pretty darn cunning, too, and he's not above underhanded stuff. (Neither is Mabel, but I digress.) 

He's a good kid, don't get me wrong here. But he's very much 'the ends justify the means' - I mean, remember stanchurian candidate? 

My point - the kid's smart. That's proven in a tonne of episodes, but I think it's easiest to just reference the time-traveller's pig. He wants fame, he does - legend of the gobblewonker, and a bunch of other scenes - and he wants  _recognition,_ a la Love God when he did stuff to gain the favour of Wendy's gang, as well as in The Inconveniencing. Climbing a building then slamming in a vent and then finding your way inside and then opening the door is pretty damn intense stuff. 

Anyway - I'd consider cunning and ambition as good reasons, by the way. ~~(possibly because I'm a Slytherin myself but shhh)~~ But I guess you could take that any way that you wish. I'd say his proficiency with lying and the ease in which he takes over Stan's role in Boss Mabel aren't amazing reasons but they're good proof ~~(along with his reaction to potentially permanently mentally scarring those poor people as... just in general kind of worrying, nothing to do with the Slytherin stuff though)~~

Anyway! I think that's enough on that. Let's move onto his sorting, shall we? 

* * *

Dipper had had talks with both his Gruncles about this event, but that didn't stop his palms from sweating and his forehead getting damp under his too-long fringe (that he refused to let the hairdressers cut the last time they went because he knew Hogwarts wouldn't let him wear his new hat on weekdays) as he waited in line next to his sister. Meanwhile, Mabel was staring around and bouncing about like she was high on smile dip (again), grinning from ear-to-ear and generally making the atmosphere at least a little less tense. Dipper might or might not have fainted from all the staring if he was alone, at the very least. 

Might. Hopefully not. 

Dipper wiped his palms on the thick robes they had to wear as he waited out each name until "Mabel Pines!" Was called, and then Dipper realised rather too belatedly that the teacher would be calling out  _his real name._

Ugh.  _Just great._

Mabel, after a few minutes and just before people would begin shifting about, was sent off to the Gryffindor table with a sincere look of relief on her face that was gone so quickly if Dipper hadn't known her like he does, being her twin and all, he'd have thought he'd imagined it. 

"Mason Pines!" The teacher calls out, and Dipper winces reflexively as he walks up to the stool. He doesn't trip - thank Merlin - and nor does he stumble, and he manages to sit down and have the hat be placed on his head with little fanfare. 

 _Ah, another Pines!_ The Hat thinks at him, cheerfully.  _You're always an interesting challenge... I won't share your sister, of course, but it was rather hard to place your Great Uncles - now, where was I -_

Then, the Hat starts mumbling to itself, and Dipper winces a few times as it casually says the more negative aspects of his personality right alongside the positive ones like he's making a list of groceries and none of it's all that special or interesting. Or, y'know... an alternate simile; psychoanalysing a kid's personality like he's talking about the weather. 

_Yes, I know exactly what to do with you - a lot more like your Great Uncles than your sister, though she's got her own similarites with both of them - anyway, it -_

"- Better be... Slytherin!" The Hat calls out, and when Dipper, once the hat's been removed from his head and he smooths his fringe over quickly before anyone can see anything maybe possibly - glances at Mabel's face.

She's smiling, still, ear-to-ear, but it's a little too wide, and Dipper shrugs mentally and sighs mentally, smiles back and goes over to the table. The first years are at the end closest to the Head's table (probably so the older years can go further down and get away with more things) and a blonde girl looks him over, sniffs haughtily, then something happens and the girl opposite moves down and then, suddenly, there's enough space for Dipper to sit down.

"I suppose we could have gotten worse," The blonde says, and this close - Dipper recognises her. "At least you aren't... them," She says, decidedly and delicately and a little snide and Dipper shrugs at Pacifica. He's a little too used to her by now, and he knows that most of this is for show, for her lackeys and the people who'd report to their parents who'd report to the Northwests. 

"That's my sister and her friends you're talking about there," Dipper says, warningly, and she scoffs, predictably. Dipper can only kind of see from here, but Candy appears to be doing that thing with the forks and her fingers again -  _oh no -_ over at the Ravenclaw table and Grenda's thumping some poor kid on the back, Mabel seated opposite and - yep - already crushing on some unsuspecting second year. 

There's a redhead and a couple others sitting not too far down the table from Mabel, and a group of kids laughing and someone attempting to start a food fight, and there's a group of people he won't hesitate to label 'jocks' and a handful of people scattered about that don't look like they fit at all for one reason or another, and Gryffindor looks...

Lively. A bit disjointed, but that just kind of reminds Dipper of his own family. A pang of something - possibly something like homesickness, but not for California, for Oregon; for Gravity Falls, for the place he'd spent his summers with his sister and his friends ever since they'd first shown signs of having magic like their gruncles did. 

And then, the summer before coming here, the world... kinda nearly ended, but it's fine! It didn't. That rift is worrying though, but it's  _fine._ Gruncle Ford is dealing with it... Dipper's miles away from the place, now, though. 

(He's still got the journal, though, because Ford let him keep it. And you don't exactly forget things like  _Bill_ and gnomes and little golf-ball people and many, many other things.) 

"Nerd," Pacifica says like she's been trying to get his attention. 

" _Paz._ " Dipper returns, because he knows the nickname annoys her (but only in public, because it makes them seem like they know each other). "What?" He asks. 

Pacifica shakes her head. "Nevermind, you dork," She grumbles vaguely. 

Dipper shrugs, and plates himself some steak and chips. 

* * *

So if we talk a little bit about how this Fusion works so as to avoid massive confusion. 

Gravity falls happens the summer before they go to Hogwarts in the year 2010, so when they're ten-turning-eleven, so some things don't happen. Dipper doesn't get his crush on Wendy because she's thirteen and therefore does not have a job and is at that lumberjack thing she says her dad sent her to a few times. Mabel isn't as boy-crazy but a few of those adventures happen however they're way less intense. Sock-opera doesn't happen, for example.

(That also might be me chickening out of making a ten/eleven-year-old go through the kind of possession Dipper went through because I might be good at Angst but I'm not good at Let's Hurt The Children, you know?)

So anyway - things like that. So Weirdmageddon doesn't happen, either. The rift stays as the rift because the whole mess with the spaceship still happens because the Gruncles... aren't exactly the most responsible as guardians because they weren't in canon and I doubt having magic would help. It'd probably make it worse, actually. That tendency to be vaguely irresponsible guardians. 

They're great with the kids, don't get me wrong, but whoa, their minds when it comes to safety? Just not there. They don't get that. Safety? What's this  _safety?_

So like... half the things happen, and half don't. NWHS still happens, as does the North West Mansion Mystery/Noir, but we get as far as the Mabelcorn episode in canon and no further - yes, Roadside attraction happens but I always put that before NWMM/N in my head anyway. Obviously, the dipper learning how to talk with girls plotline doesn't happen because he's like, ten. It's more a... learning how to talk to people in general plotline. And he doesn't get reamed for a ~~hypocritical and rather double standards-y~~ no reason. 

Stan and Ford's story is.... phew.  _Complicated._ I'll explain that later. 

* * *

Later being now, of course. (I've already got one story with a motif of 'later', I don't need another one, heh.)

* * *

_Stan,_

_So I hear you decided to up and clear out of Scottland for greener pastures, eh? I don't really blame you. It's cold as anything here. But - bro, you could'a said something. At least told me, y'know._

_Asked if I wanted to come._

_Anway, I guess I'm writing to tell you - no hard feelings, right? I mean, we still kept in touch even after dad threw me out, so._

~~_So._ ~~

~~~~**\- Part of a letter never sent by one 'Stanley Cassandra Pines' to one 'Stanford Filbrick Pines'.**

* * *

 

Ford had about five different postcards in his desk, all with different letts and words and questions and answers and apologies scrawled across their surface - but Fiddleford had given him some advice.

 _Please come!_ He'd scrawled across the back, along with his address, zip code (postcode, whatever you want to call it) and directions from the nearest major city. 

Stan had always been better than him at identifying the...  _stranger_ things's intentions in the magic world. Don't get him wrong - Ford knew the science side of things like the back of his hand. But instinct... his instincts had let them down before, when it came to beings' intentions. 

So... he needed a second opinion. And he couldn't exactly talk with Stan about the whole...  _muse thing_ over  _a letter._

It... it might have been a while since they last talked - since Ford last even _stepped foot_ in the world of magic - and, well, for all Ford knows, Stan never left. But...

God. It's a long shot -  _Merlin,_ it's a long shot, and it's been a while since he used that expression. The nostalgia hits him, and it's unexpected, but it's there. Ford sighs, and turns over the postcard.

Ford stands and leaves and goes to the post office and mails it before he can lose his nerve.

It takes about a month, but Stan shows up on his doorstep mid-winter. Fiddleford's gone, Bill's more dangerous now than he was - and god,  _sweet Morgana,_ but Ford's in over his head.

(The first thing Ford realises, after he checks Stan's eyes for Bill's telltale glow and slittled pupils, is that Stan has a mullet and looks... more than a little worse for wear. But... that's then overshadowed by everything else, and it takes a few days for anything to come of that observation - and it takes over a year of trying to patch things up before Stan confesses anything at all.

To be fair, it takes that long for Ford, too - he explains Bill, of course, but nothing more than Stan needs to know. It takes over a year for Ford to tell him any of the... _sordid details._ The possession, Fiddleford's memory erasing society... everything.)

And when he asks Stan to take his book and never look back, and they fight, and Stan gets scarred - Ford's just glad he shut down the portal and tore it to pieces in a fit of - something;  _paranoia rage betrayal hurt fear violation how do i know what he did when in control (did he kill anyone) **how** could I have been so **stupid** -_  when he figured out Bill's betrayal (thanks to Fiddleford)... because otherwise, things could have gone -

 _Much worse._ Somehow. 

* * *

... So yeah.

It's.... _complicated._

**_To say the least._ **

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
